if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
