Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
