Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
