I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
