so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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