I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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