I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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