I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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