i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
