We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
