Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
