ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
