My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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