I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
