If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
