I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I think pants incapable of making pants work
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
