I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We need to get me chipped asap
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
