I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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