I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
