Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
