I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
