I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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