Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize