I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
