I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
