dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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