i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize