That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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