What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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