Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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