I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
