Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
