I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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