I just pynch a tree in the face
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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