The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize