i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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