Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
