I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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