i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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