Umm I'm too high to move.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
