I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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