It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
It was confusing and full of hummus
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
