i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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