Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
it glows. i had to have it.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
