just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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