I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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