i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
