she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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