is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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