Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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