I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
