Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize