i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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