Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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