And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My cat gives me a boner
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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