why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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